The best security blanket you can give your children

My parents celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary recently. I am proud to say that after all these years, my parents have never lost their sweetness nor they did something to undermine the dignity, individuality, or principles of each other. My mother has always been considerate of my father's wishes and my father had always put my mother's feelings before anything else. I grew up knowing that I couldn't go to my mom or dad to override the mandate of the other. They are not shy to show us how mushy they are when around each other. Nor were they ever afraid to show us that every relationship has ups and downs and it's normal for couples, even if they are soulmates, to fight from time to time.

Their respect, trust, and love for each other made us, their five children, confident and secured. We are the testament of their love and we know that no matter what happens, our parents will always be there to protect and love us and to welcome us back if ever we should go astray.

I am now a mom myself and I realized that it's now my turn to pass on that same security blanket to my child. I want my son to grow up unafraid to fail or make mistakes knowing that his mom and dad will always be there for him no matter what. I want him to know in his heart that he is a very special individual because he was born out of our love for each other; the living testament of our commitment, trust, and infinite care and affection for each other.

I now understand why my parents are very open and vocal about their relationship. I'm sure that they knew how annoying their PDA (public display of affection) was for us way back then. But they must have understood as well how huge its effect in our lives so they kept doing it despite our disapproval. Now that I have my own family, I realized the lesson that they were trying to teach us through their example: the love of husband and wife for each other is the best security blanket parents could provide to their children. I am sharing this because there are many parents who have failed their children because they have first failed their spouse or partner. A husband and wife who truly love each other will also love their children unconditionally because they are the living manifestation of that love and union. In return, children who grow up knowing this kind of love and in this kind of home environment becomes more confident and secure, grateful, and adapts a more positive and hopeful perspective in life.

Don't do what I did, spare your kid from having bad teeth

One of the things that I regret in my seven years of mommyhood is my failure to keep my son's teeth healthy and white.

Yes, my son has many of his teeth eaten away, partly, by cavities. Here are some of the wrong things I did because of ignorance:

I bottle-fed my son with formula milk. I was not educated on exclusive breastfeeding. When I became pregnant with Milliard, there were no visible breastfeeding awareness campaign going around unlike these days. I thought I just happened to be one of those unlucky mothers who do not have capacity to produce enough breastmilk. Now, after learning more about breastfeeding (which I will share with you on another post), I realized that the reason my breastfeeding failed was because I was doing everything wrong. Mommies, there's a reason why breast milk has been identified as the best food for babies up to six months. It's complete, highly nutritious, and only gives your baby what it needs. It also helps prevent many diseases including infections, diabetes, and obesity among others. Breastfeeding also reduces the chance of your child getting ear infection and faster tooth decay, which are often the result of leaving the feeding bottle on the baby's mouth until he/she falls asleep.

I followed the toothpaste fad. Don't get carried away by advertisements on new toothpaste formulas. Dentists still recommend toothpaste with fluoride for better teeth protection.

I let him bring juice to school for everyday baon because he likes it. Juices, especially those that are commercially prepared or are made from powdered fruit juice mix are acidic and high in sugar. Let your child get used to drinking water instead. If it's inevitable for your child to drink juice, teach him to drink water afterward to wash away the remaining acid and sugar in his/her mouth.

I didn't bring him to the dentist regularly. I thought that it's okay because they are just baby teeth; that we should take his teeth seriously when the permanent teeth came out. When his first permanent teeth came out, we brought him to the dentist for cleaning. The dentist was so shocked to see so much cavities on Milliard's teeth. She recommended some treatments to prevent further damage; however, due to financial limitations, we weren't able to comply with the order, which could have been  avoided if we only strictly and consistently taught him to practice proper oral hygiene during his early years.

Dentists recommend that the first examination be done at the time of the eruption of the first tooth and no later than 12 months of age. This is to monitor the development of the child's teeth. "Early detection and management of oral conditions can improve a child’s oral health, general health and well-being, and school readiness. Delayed diagnosis of dental disease can result in exacerbated problems which lead to more extensive and costly care," says the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry (AAPD).

So don't repeat my mistakes. Save your children's teeth by doing the following:

• Teach your children to brush their teeth properly and to clean their inner cheeks and tongue as well.
• Help them floss. Children 10 years old and above can already be taught how to floss by themselves.
• Use toothpaste and mouth rinse with fluoride. Make it clear that when they do, they have to spit the toothpaste and the rinse out.

• Make drinking of water after taking in of sweet or acidic food and beverages a habit. 

• Visit your dentist for cleaning and check up at least once every six months.

Journey of parents with AD/HD children

Last year, my family joined an outreach program. There were several people who pitched in and came to help during the event as well. One family came with a boy as old as my son. Seeing that there's another kid that he can hang out with, Milliard immediately asked for permission to play with the other boy. We let him go and went on to prepare the gifts that we were going to give away. A few minutes later, he came back and told us that he didn't want to play with the kid anymore because he keeps hitting him. I didn't know what the whole story was so I asked him maybe he was being too aggressive. I suggested to introduce himself first and then ask nicely if there's a game that the other kid would want to play. If he doesn't want to play, maybe they could just chat or draw. Milliard went away again and did as I suggested. After a while, he came back frustrated and discouraged. Apparently, he received the same response. I didn't give much thought about it and dismissed it as the boy having a bad mood. I advised him to just let it go and do something else.

Looking back, I think I should have done more than just talk my son out of trying to connect with the boy. As it turned out, the child has a special condition known as Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD).

According to the Centers for Disease, Control, and Prevention, ADHD is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders of childhood. Children with ADHD may have trouble paying attention, controlling impulsive behaviors (may act without thinking about what the result will be), or be overly active.

Until October 08, 2014, I could honestly say that I have no idea what that means. We were invited to be part of  the 7th National Conference of the AD/HD Society of the Philippines in the University of the Philippines Diliman on that day, which ended my ignorance on the matter. The sessions were very enlightening for me. During the lectures and the open forum, the discussion became emotional as parents of children with AD/HD sought advice from the panel of experts and shared their own experiences. I felt ashamed for my ignorance and at the same time grateful for the opportunity to expand my understanding of it.

The journey of parents of children with this condition is long, challenging, life-changing, enlightening, humbling, and beautiful. According to Dr. Nemencio Santos, Jr., Associate Professor at Far Eastern University and father to a child with AD/HD, there are 9 themes that can describe the parental experiences:

1. Unending Journey

The child with AD/HD is a unique individual with unique needs. The long journey towards raising a chance with AD/HD is a big challenge to all parents. Parents have their own share of unforgettable experiences with their child, which helped them to accept reality, cope with the situation, and become a better person.

2. The Heart that Endures the Countervailing Wind

To learn that your child has AD/HD is very painful. Parents would often blame themselves, thinking that they must have done something that lead to their child's suffering. Then comes despondency. As parents who repeatedly had to defend their child against prejudice, to deal with misunderstanding caused by their child's impulsive behavior, and to struggle against the accumulating stress that result from behavioral seizures of their child, they could help but feel helpless, tired, and depressed. One parent in the forum shared how she and her husband had to keep transferring their child from one school to another because the schools they've been to couldn't understand what their child is going through and didn't have the capacity to help their AD/HD children. She was in tears when she uttered, "Until when are we going to do this? How many times should we explain before they would understand?"All these challenges cause tremendous anxiety, not only for what their child is going through but for what awaits him/her in tge future. However, being parents of children with AD/HD is not all about sadness and despair. It is also a joyful, enriching, and meaningful experience. Despite their condition, children with AD/HD are the most sensitive and loving human beings and they have the ability to make people who love them see the hidden beauty of the things they touch and see the world in a unique way.

3. Driving Towards a Crossroad

Parents often feel like they are crossing a crossroad, especially when it comes to the way of teaching and disciplining their child. They are also often torn between what they feel that they should do and what the people around them expect them to do.

4. A 360 Degree Turn

Parents experience a complete change in perception, attitude, and expectations once they understand and come to terms with the condition of their child. Once they have accepted that their child has AD/HD, they can begin to move forward and find ways to best help their child and themselves. Their relationship with their child and spouse improve as they enrich their lives through seminars, support groups, advocacy, spiritual enlightenment, and other activities.

5. Facing the Hurdles of a Rough Journey

There are many problems that make raising a child with AD/HD extremely challenging. First, there's financial obligations that parents should fulfill. In the Philippines, a consult with psychiatric pediatrician costs an arm and a leg. That, along with therapy sessions, medications, and maintenance of the child's special needs require a huge amount of money and could drag the family into a financial crisis in the long run. There's also the conflict that arises within the family. Sometimes, it takes time before the relatives could understand and accept the child's condition. Because of that, they might try to interfere with the parents' decisions, go against their way of disciplining the child, or unintentionally isolate the child from the rest of the family members. It takes a lot of strength to face these hurdles. Each parent should prepare for a long, arduous  journey if they want to help make their child with AD/HD a functional member of society.

6. The Rocks on a Bumpy Road

It takes determination and a special kind of courage and strength to be able to carry on diespite the many bumps on the road of raising a child with unique needs. The behavioral problems of the child, parenting problems, teaching-learning problems, medical management problems, and financial problems all make the journey very difficult. Parents should brace their heart and and prepare their mind for this long, arduous endeavor. The unconditional love of parents for their child is the best weapon and shield that they have in their armory for this lifelong battle.

7. Embracing Tomorrow's Purpose

Parents worry about their child's future and well-being. Questions like "What will happen to my child?", "Will he be able to finish school and have a career?", "Will he find happiness?", "Can he have a family of his own?, etc. often pop up in our minds. They are also concerned about their child's learning and skills development, safety, and social relationships. Indeed, there are many reasons to be anxious about. The first and most important step to overcome this is through acceptance. By coming to terms with the situation, parents can begin to move forward, set proper and reasonable expectations, seek professional help, and create feasible plans to help manage their child's AD/HD symptoms.

 

8. Muddling Through a Difficult Path

While going through the challenges of raising a child with AD/HD, it is important to remember that you are not alone nor you ever have to be. There are many free resources online that can help you expand your knowledge on the condition. There are also support groups and organizations that can help, guide, and provide you with moral and financial support. More importantly, your family, relatives, and friends can serve as your intimate source of encouragement and affirmation. You just have to help them understand and appreciate your child and your situation better by involving them in the care of your child, engaging them in activities that exposes them to the different sides of your child's personality, and letting them feel that they, too, have roles to play in your child's life.

9. An Extraordinary Roller Coaster Ride

Parents who have children with AD/HD have different memorable, life-changing experiences that helped them become better people. A mother shared during the open forum that because of her child, her perspective in life changed. She became humble, generous, and more appreciative. She is now supporting organizations that help children with special needs. The mother admitted that their lives were indeed full of challenges but, even if she's given another chance, she would still choose to have her son and go through the whole journey again.

I am happy that I was given the chance to have a glimpse of the journey that parents of children with AD/HD go through. I believe that knowing is an important step towards breaking the veil of indifference and changing the world to make it a better place for children with AD/HD to live in.

On teaching our children to go places

Why do we send our children to school? Is it to better their chance of having high-paying job in the future? To give them a legacy? To fulfill our obligation to them as parents? Personally, I just want to equip my son with the values, knowledge, and skills so that he could become a functional member of our society. At the same time, I want him to appreciate how wonderful life is so that he would want to learn more about it, to experience it to the fullest, and to explore the possibilities it presents.

The video that I want to share with you is titled "Above and Beyond." Uploaded on July 27, 2011 and created through the collaboration of members of Partnership for 21st Century Skills and the talented folks at FableVision, it shows what happens when communication, collaboration, critical thinking and creativity take center stage in schools and how it transforms learning opportunities for kids.

Above and Beyond has been adapted into a children's book called "Going Places." Written by Paul Reynolds and illustrated by Peter H. Reynolds, the book was published by Antheneum Books for Young Readers in 2014.

If you can't see the player below, you can watch it directly on YouTube by copying the following URL on your browser: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7KMM387HNQk. Enjoy!

Wake up call for a busy mom

I was browsing through my Facebook wall today when I saw a shared article from one of my friends. The article was from huffpost.com and it talked about how a mother's response to her children's seemingly petty requests subtly and slowly opened a gap in their relationship.

It caught my attention because I have a 7-year-old son. Being an only child, he spends most of his time at home around me, my husband, and our house companion. He's in that age where he feels the need to share everything that he does to me or his dad. He loves to talk non-stop about the cosmos, human body, and robots. He spends hours building jointed robots using Lego blocks while asking my opinion on whether I liked the new formation better than the previous one. He draws doodles for me that comes with a whole history of you-know-whys and you-know-whats. He likes to call out my name just to say "I love you, mom." He's a very sweet kid and simply because he does those things everyday, I started to take them for granted without realizing it.

One night, he called out to me. I was busy folding away the linens while thinking about the mountain of clothes that are waiting to be ironed out. It was a stressful day for me. I heard him but I didn't reply. He called out again and then once more, each time with more volume. Receiving no reply, for the third time, he ran to my side and said. "Mom, didn't you hear me? I was calling you." All I wanted was to finish what I was doing so I can move on to the next chore. Holding back my annoyance, I groaned. "What is it, Milliard? I'm busy." "I love you, mom," he said as innocently and affectionately as he had always done. But during that time, I was too busy to notice those little details. I just wanted him to leave me alone. "Okay," I said coldly. I thought he would be satisfied and go back to building Kre-o but he didn't move. When I looked at him, I caught a glint of sadness in his eyes. "You used to be so happy when I tell you that I love you," he said, almost in a whisper.

I felt like a bucket of iced water poured down on me. Guilt pinched my heart and tied my stomach in knots. Since when did I stop listening to his voice? How have I become too busy to even respond to his little acts of affection?

I took a deep breath to compose myself, put down the linen on the bed, and motioned him to come closer. I hugged him tight and apologized. I told him that hearing him say that he loves me makes me very happy and that I was sorry if I made it look like it doesn't. I asked him to be patient with mommy because sometimes, mommies can be so distracted with little things that they fail to appreciate the more important things.

I am not a perfect mother. Oftentimes, I give in to the beck and call of the selfish human persona inside me. But after that realization, I learned to be more expressive with my feelings. I make more effort now to let my son know that he is important to me and that I love him no matter what. If I really can't join him for a game of domino or cards, I try to negotiate for another schedule. I spare even just a few seconds to look at his new robots, enough to at least know the difference between the new and the previous designs. Hopefully, these little changes will help heal the gap that started to appear between us.